Sunday Comics: The Tony Awards

As you may or may not know, The Tony Awards are tonight.  In their honor, Bizzy Coy at the New Yorker suggested some extra categories this year.  Here are a few of Bizzy’s brilliant suggestions (click on her name above to read all of them):

Best Unoriginal Score

Sweatiest Dance Belt

Most Disappointing Onstage Nudity

Best Cool New Play Based on a Dumb Old Play

Best Musical Based on a Book, Movie, or Trending Hashtag

Best Orchestration of a Scheme to Sneak Out at Intermission

Best Usher Who Doesn’t Take Shit from Nobody and Isn’t About to Start Today

Special Tony Award for Lifetime Achievement in Ticket Scalping, Sponsored by StubHub

Best Sound Design of a Patron’s Cell Phone Ringing During the Emotional Climax of a Play

Best Gritty, Stripped-Down Revival of a Musical that Leaves No Fanciful Frippery to Conceal Its Glaring Flaws

Best Featured Actor Who Seems Like He Might Be a Serial Killer—I Don’t Know, It’s Just Something About His Creepy Vibe

Best Sixteen-Dollar Cocktail in a Plastic Sippy Cup Filled with Ice That Clatters Like a Rattle, Giving the Drinker the Appearance of an Alcoholic Baby

Best Choreography of a Row of Patrons Half-Standing, Pulling in Their Knees, and Shifting to the Side to Allow a Latecomer to Squeeze by After the Play Has Already Begun

Best Leading Actor on a Phone Call with His Mother Pretending He Isn’t Upset When She Asks If He’s Ever Going to Quit This Theatre Thing and Get a Real Job

Best New Play by a Genius Woman Playwright Who Has Been Working Steadily in the Industry for a Billion Years and Should Have Had Her Broadway Début Decades Ago; What Took You People So Freaking Long

Best Mom Between the Ages of Forty-five and Sixty-five Whose Full-Price Ticket Purchases Keep the Precariously Balanced Commercial-Theatre Industry from Collapsing Like the House of Cards That It Is, Whose Taste Dictates the Shows That Succeed, Who Can’t Understand Why She Is Bombarded with Broadway-Related E-mails Despite Constantly Unsubscribing from Them

Actual Best Musical that Makes You Laugh, Cry, Tap Your Toes, Hum Along, See the Human Experience from a New Perspective, and Feel Deep Emotions Stirring Inside You That Had Been Dormant for Years Because That Is the Power of Good Musical Theatre and Don’t You Forget It

🙂